My Story

Sports Authority. June '08. Bathing suit shopping. I'm not gunna blame my whole eating disorder on a swimsuit shopping excursion I had almost exactly a year ago, but it was one of the loudest triggers I've ever faced. I still have the bathing suit, a size L for the top, because my breasts were kind of big, and a M for the bottom. I took no shame in grabbing those sizes, when now, I would die to have to buy them because they were the only size that fit me. You see, to keep my sanity, I only buy jeans and tops and everything else, if the size I want of that item fits me. I know it sounds crazy, but as long as it keeps me happy. . . .

Back to the story. I remember going into the dressing room, trying on the bathing suit, and examining myself, as I have for the past year, through the eating disorder and recovery, and was absolutely, completely, and totally disgusted. Huge thighs that thundered when I walked, flabby stomach, definitely no signs of hip bones, rib bones, or even abs. I decided right then and there, I was on a diet. I was on a diet and going to the gym for an hour everyday! Oh I was so pleased with my self determination that I even declined to have an ice cream that night after dinner! And that was just the beginning . . . .

More to come tomorrow! If you are reading this, continue to check back everyday. Sorry I couldn't write yesterday. If you wanted to know, I was in a good mood, but I was busy babysitting and volunteering, and packing for a trip to Spain on Monday. I'll be gone for two weeks but I'll be writing as much as I can while I'm there. I don't really want to go because there I'll have to wear a bathing suit, EW. and shorts, EW. and tank tops, EWEWEW! Stay strong!


"When you're at peace with yourself and love your self, it is virtually impossible to do things to yourself that are destructive."
Wayne Dyer