My Story

Sports Authority. June '08. Bathing suit shopping. I'm not gunna blame my whole eating disorder on a swimsuit shopping excursion I had almost exactly a year ago, but it was one of the loudest triggers I've ever faced. I still have the bathing suit, a size L for the top, because my breasts were kind of big, and a M for the bottom. I took no shame in grabbing those sizes, when now, I would die to have to buy them because they were the only size that fit me. You see, to keep my sanity, I only buy jeans and tops and everything else, if the size I want of that item fits me. I know it sounds crazy, but as long as it keeps me happy. . . .

Back to the story. I remember going into the dressing room, trying on the bathing suit, and examining myself, as I have for the past year, through the eating disorder and recovery, and was absolutely, completely, and totally disgusted. Huge thighs that thundered when I walked, flabby stomach, definitely no signs of hip bones, rib bones, or even abs. I decided right then and there, I was on a diet. I was on a diet and going to the gym for an hour everyday! Oh I was so pleased with my self determination that I even declined to have an ice cream that night after dinner! And that was just the beginning . . . .

More to come tomorrow! If you are reading this, continue to check back everyday. Sorry I couldn't write yesterday. If you wanted to know, I was in a good mood, but I was busy babysitting and volunteering, and packing for a trip to Spain on Monday. I'll be gone for two weeks but I'll be writing as much as I can while I'm there. I don't really want to go because there I'll have to wear a bathing suit, EW. and shorts, EW. and tank tops, EWEWEW! Stay strong!


"When you're at peace with yourself and love your self, it is virtually impossible to do things to yourself that are destructive."
Wayne Dyer

And Getting Back Up Again

I didn't think recovering from my worse "depression spell" would be as easy as it was. I haven't looked at my stomach, now smooth, with no hip bones in sight, since yesterday, for fear of going insane. I'm still in the phase of recovery, at least I hope it is, where I keep trying things on to see if I've got *healthier, or if I look *healthier in them. Clothes are thrown all around the room, and although I have a little bit of OCD about the cleanliness of my bedroom, I need the clothes there so I can pick them up quickly and see if I've grown. Each day, I wear about 3 different outfits. Call me crazy, it keeps me sane.

Want to know how I bounced back to be in such a good mood lately? Because I danced and sang and played dress up last night while listening to Kelly Clarkson all alone in my room. It's silly I know, but girls, put on a nice dress, some cute heels, turn up the volume, and if you don't feel better, you gotta be crazy. It really cheered me up, because I listened to songs like "I Do Not Hook Up" and also, "So What" by P!nk. Any song that is super fun to dance to, and also has a kick-ass kinda message, well anorexia/bulimia sufferers, that is the song for you! Dance your way to happiness girls! (:

P.S. There are *asterisks before healthier because I wanted to point out why I didn't say fatter. I don't want to promote the "fat feeling" because in reality, fat IS NOT a feeling. I, myself am done gaining weight, unless the doctor decides to gain a pound or something, but I'm strong and I want others to be too. Thanks for reading, come back again tomorrow, I'll start typing up my story!Stay strong.

"Happiness resides not in posessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul."
Democritus

Falling Down

I'm having a spell where I feel like crap. These happen often, and if you are recoving/ recovered from an eating disorder, you know what I'm talking about. What brought this lovely depression/fat/unwanted feeling on you ask? Tyler*. That's what. We were having a nice, normal conversation yesterday, I was having fun talking to him. Then, suddenly, out of NO WHERE, he says, "you are not skinny". It was so random and did so much damage, I can't even begin to explain how I felt, but I'll try.

The minute I read it. my heart felt like it was in my throat, choking me until I started crying. The crying lasted at least 2 hours, yes TWO hours. I started inspecting my body the way I used to, checking centimeter after centimeter of changes my body has made throughout the recovery process. I am no longer thin. My hip bones are no longer visible, no one even sees me as thin anymore. I hope today I can find the strength to put on a bathing suit for a friend's birthday party and not have bone showing, but God, it's so damn hard. Stay strong my loves, even when I can't.

"Go within everyday and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out."
Katherine Dunham

Nice to meet you,

I'm new to this blogging stuff, I'm not going to lie, but I'm pretty sure I could be good at it. My goal is to inspire other girls struggling with anorexia/bulimia recovery to realize that there are great things in life that don't have to do with weight and food. There are so many things to look forward to, and when your freedom is taken away during recovery, and during the eating disorder itself, it's almost impossible to live life to it's fullest. I know it's hard to see yourself as a strong, recovered, healthy young woman (yes, or man) but try to picture yourself playing sports again, laughing over dinner with your friends, or sharing ice cream with your future children, privileges that would be all taken away, if you continued down your path of self destruction. I'd love to share my story and how I'm getting by in life while still struggling with body image, but more to come tomorrow, stay strong!

"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."
Rita Mae Brown